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Document: An Explanation

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Author: Rustle Ryan, Rustle

An Explanation

Author: Rustle Ryan, Rustle

I guess the first memories that I have about wearing diapers begin when I was about 5 or 6 years old. I remember finding some old baby toys in our house and I guess they just stirred some memories. I can’t remember the exact memory but I sort of get a vague idea.

The first time I was introduced to a person who still wore them was when my family moved into our new house. Our neighbors had a son who was 3 at the time. I was 11 and was absolutely amazed at a person wearing diapers. I remember how much I wanted to be in them, but more than that I wanted to be 2 or 3 years old again. I was baby sitting for him when I finally got up the nerve to take one of the diapers home. I think I hid that sucker for a week before I got the chance to try it on. I was a small kid so the diaper fit pretty well, a little tight but not that bad. I think I wore it for only about 15 minutes, but I was addicted and I knew it. To my dismay my neighbor was potty trained before I had another chance to baby sit. Damn.

I went through a phase of experimenting with different things trying to make them fit and feel like that diaper of so long ago. I found some old cloth at one point and actually sewed my own diaper. That didn’t work so well. It leaked all over the place and I almost got caught wearing it. I also tried to use garbage bags with carefully cut holes for my legs and a toilet paper lining to soak up any wetness, but that didn’t work so well either. I made garbage bag diapers for about a year before I gave them up. It was this period in my life that I mostly dreamed about diapers. Every time a diaper commercial came on I starred intensely at the TV. I didn’t get my hands on a real diaper for a while but the time passed quickly.

It wasn’t until I was about 14 that I finally got the courage to buy some diapers for myself. I had it all planned out. I waited until about 3:00 in the morning, just threw on some clothes from off the floor and headed to the local grocery store. It’s a good thing that the small town I lived in had a store that was open 24 hours. I made it look like I had just woken up. Which was far from true. I actually never went to bed that night. I stayed up all night with anticipation; just to make sure it looked like I was sent in to the store to get some "Goodnights". "Goodnights" are the largest size of those nighttime pull-up diapers for kids who wet the bed. I walked into the store to find out that only one person was working the cash register that night. Thank you lord! I walked up to the person, pulled a small piece of paper out of my pocket and pretended to read words that were not there. "Where are the…. ‘Goodnights’. You know the one’s for kids that wet the bed." The lady just starred at me for a moment and asked why. I told her that my 8-year-old cousin, David, was in town for the week and he wet the bed for the second night in a row and that my mom was sick of cleaning up the mess. The lady said ok and told me right where they were. Little did I know that in a month I would be working at that store, able to steel all the diapers I would ever need!

I couldn’t believe it I sat in my room just starring at them for awhile. When I finally decided to put them on I found that they were a little small, ok a lot small. But never the less I was wearing a diaper again and it felt great. I tried and tried to wet in them but I couldn’t and after about an hour of trying I finally began to. It was glorious; the warm feeling between my legs was pure heaven. After only 10 minutes I took them off scared that my parents would come home and discover my dirty little secret. Even though I secretly wished I would get caught and be put back into diapers. Needless to say that never happened.

I was so ashamed of myself. How could I want to wear diapers? I must be the weirdest person in the world. I had those thoughts every time I took another diaper off. But I couldn’t help putting on the next and the next. When I ran out of that pack of diaper I swore that I would never do that again. Funny "never again" didn’t last that long.

I started working at the store in May of ’95. It took a little while to build up the nerve to even stock the shelves in the diaper isle, but after about a month I was there every chance I could get. It was great! The smell of diapers permeated the air. I stood there all the time just smelling the sweet intoxicating odor. The diapers in the store for some reason were in the same isle as the coffee, so I had a good excuse for being there all the time. I just told people that I was facing (pulling all the products to the front so customers can see and reach things better) the shelves, but I think they started to catch on.

I was transferred to the dairy department after another month. I guess I just wasn’t fated to be around my diapers anymore. It actually ended up to be the best thing that happened to me at the time. I enjoyed working in the dairy. Being in the dairy dept. I was also in charge of damaged merchandise. You wouldn’t believe how much stuff gets damaged in a grocery store. And it always seemed to be the stuff in packages that were soft, namely diapers. If you cut the box that the diapers came in to deep you would almost always hit the diapers inside. Then they came to me so I could stack them in the damaged room. You had to log what was damaged, how it got damaged and by whom. That way they could see if someone was doing it by accident or not. After it was logged it had to be opened, ripped apart, smashed, and thrown away. I must have ripped up 1000 diapers before I figured out how to sneak them out of there. I stole and stole and stole diapers until the cows came home. I never got caught but I quit my great job after another 5 months there. Looking back now, I realize that it was for the best. But I sure do miss all the free diapers.

About 2 years later, in diapers of course, my mother decided to get together with her sisters after about 10 or so years. It turned out that both of them had one year old sons. I was so happy, that words couldn’t describe it. I stole diapers from both and to make them fit I would tape 2 to 4 of them together. I was in bliss because I had never had the nerve to buy real diapers, just the "Goodnights". Well that happiness didn’t last long, about a year and a half, my parents decided not to talk to them any more. I am still not sure why.

I do remember this one weekend when my parents and my cousin’s parents went camping in the northern part on Minnesota. My sister went on a trip with some friends and I told to baby sit for the weekend. Well not really for the whole weekend just from Saturday morning until Sunday night. My heart almost skipped a beat. I was waiting for that day to come and it did and quick. We watched movies together and played with his toys. I stole 4 diapers and taped them together while he was sleeping; it wasn’t as if he was going to miss them. I remember waking up on Sunday morning, at about 4:30, to the sound of him crying. I went in to see what was wrong. He was wet, so I changed him, and that’s when the idea hit me. I still wonder if I should have done what I did or not, but you know what they say. Hindsight is 20/20.

I went into the other room and put on my diaper; it was still dark so I knew he wouldn’t see anything. I went back into my room, where he was sleeping, and crawled into bed. He was still awake, but sort of out of it. He doing that baby talk gibberish trying to tell me that he was afraid of the shadows on the wall. When I figured out what was going on I grabbed a flashlight and showed him that they were just shadows and not the boogieman. That’s when he noticed that I was wearing a diaper. At first I was real embarrassed but he didn’t seem to care, in fact I think he thought that it was pretty cool. It did take him a few seconds to adjust to the fact that his baby sitter was wearing a diaper just like him. We played and played and before I knew it I was 8:00 in the morning and I had to go to the bathroom. I thought about it for awhile and decided to go in my diaper. My cousin saw the whole thing and started to laugh at me, then he decided that it was also time to go to the bathroom. We both played for another 2 hours together in wet diapers. I still can’t believe that I did that, a 1 year old and a 16 year old just having a blast playing with toy cars and Care Bears for about 6 hours.

My father actually caught me with some of these diapers. I wasn’t wearing them at the time but he told me that something smelled in my room. Just an excuse to snoop around I imagine. He pulled out 3 diapers that I had just stole and hid way under the mattress of the waterbed I owned. He must have snooped around before he called me in and just pretended to find them for the "first time". And don’t ask me how but he actually found the two diapers that I taped together to fit me. The reason I am surprised at this is because I hid them in the wall vent for the A/C in our house. Yes I actually took the vent plate off and hid diapers in there. It worked for 2 years, how was I to know that he would think to look there. Looking back on it, I think he was searching my room for drugs and found something far more sinister………"DIAPERS"……..My God no!

I made due with what I had perfectly content yet strangely concerned with myself. I couldn’t shake the thoughts that I was a freak, fucked up beyond anything anyone could imagine. I turned 17 when my mom decided to get a computer. And for the first time, with the help of the Internet of course, I discovered that I was not alone. There were thousands nay I say millions of others just like me on the net. I was as happy as a baby in a fresh diaper, no pun intended. I was on summer vacation in between 11th and 12th grade and I must of spent at least a week straight on the net looking for others, and believe me I found them. AB’s, TB’s (which were pretty scarce at that time) and even a few sites for DL’s which is what I think I am. Although I am boarder line on the whole AB part. I was pretty much screwed however. I knew that I was sane, but still couldn’t get my hands on any diapers. That was going to change though.

A year later I decided to join the Coast Guard. Boot camp sucked, but I can tell you that the thought of diapers never left my mind I think that’s what helped me through. After boot camp I went to my first station where I am today. The good thing of where I am is that I get money for and apartment and my roommate works opposite of the days that I work. That means that when I am at home, he is at work. I wear my diapers like they are going out of style. And I love it. I’ve never had the kind of freedom like I have here.

I discovered adult diapers, and I also discovered how much they sucked. They were good at holding in a number 2 but as far as wetness goes they suck! I tried experimenting with adult and real diapers and finally found out how to combine the two and make a diaper that will fit an adult but hold as many wettings as a real diaper will. That’s 5 to 6 bladders for those of you who don’t know. My disposable diapers are so good that I can no longer wear normal adult disposable.

I’ve been home a few times on leave, but only once that made my diaper lover side clash with my normal side. I went over to one of my cousin’s house, just to visit. I knocked on the door and when it opened I saw two naked kids stirring back at me. They were potty training and it was just easier for them to run around naked, than it was for her to clean up the mess that would happen if they couldn’t pull down their pants in time. I under stand her where she is coming from, but to me it was odd to say the least. She put them both in diapers after about an hour. With that little stepping stone out of the way, we ended up having a nice conversion about everything and anything.

That was a turning point for me. I wanted to tell her about my diaper thing, but I couldn’t. I was talking to another cousin one night (I happen to have a large family, lots of uncles, aunts and cousins) and the opportunity came up for me to tell someone. We were talking about all sorts of stuff and he told me that he was gay. I was taken aback at first, but then I thought to myself, why do I care? I still think that he’s cool and him being gay shouldn’t change things a bit. After a few minutes I tried to tell him about me but I couldn’t get the words past my lips. I had to make him guess what I was. He’s not very good at guessing so I had to tell him. I was surprised with myself; it only took me about a half an hour to get it out. I could tell that he was shocked but he got over it quickly.

What a weight off my chest, it feels so good to know that I can talk to someone as my complete self. Never having to hide that side of me. He is the only one that knows, but I can’t begin to describe how helpful it is to have someone to talk too. We talk every week and I don’t think I could thank him enough for being there.

Just one more thing. A small piece of advice. I you know someone that you can trust with a secret like this tell him or her and see what happens. It might just turn out for the best.

That’s my story, thanks for sticking around and hearing it through. This story is completely true. I started writing and it all started to come back to me, my entire diaper escapades laid out on just a few sheets of paper. Funny how a person’s life can fit into such a small space. It just goes to show how small we really are. Thanks again.

Ryan