Celebrity Athlete Exams

Was thinking frequently during the day about one of my favorite athletes having sports hernia surgery today. While I feel for and appreciate the trauma and difficulty the injury and the subsequent surgery will cause, I couldn't help but thing about the examinations that all NFL athletes undergo during pre and post-seasons. I've seen posts about the "checklist" of body systems evaluated during NFL physicals, and think that the docs performing those exams are fortunate beyond belief.

My question for the group is this...if you were the doc performing the pre or post-season physical for your favorite NFL (insert your preferred pro-league here) athlete, how would you approach the exam? Would you follow a strict and calculated protocol? Would you be casual about your approach, playing off a familiarity or friendship with the athlete? How would you have them strip? Down to underwear and sox at the start? Or removing their clothing as the exam progresses? Would you carry on a conversation with the athlete during the exam? Explain what you were checking for and/or your findings as you went along?

In my fantasy, the athlete would be told to strip to his underwear and sox at the start - while I watch to evaluate his joint mobility, balance and gait. I would be casual in my approach, but firm in my direction. I would describe to him what I was assessing and what my findings were throughout the exam - hoping to get replies from him about his thoughts.

I would approach the genital and rectal exams from different positions - each involving a good deal of time and close inspection. The positions would be irregular, bringing the athlete to question the doctor's methods, and at the same time requiring him to submit to humiliating exposures. For example, he would be required to squat down into catcher's position while I squat down in front of him as well, sliding my index finger up behind his ballsac and into his crack to complete an examination of his prostate. That would immediately be followed by the same exam completed in the hands-and-knees position on the exam table.

In the end, I would be able to report to the team's management that the athlete had been completely examined and was fully physically qualified for the season to come.

Let's hear what your examination of a pro athlete would be like.

Well to be honest with you, work is work and play is play. If we are talking about real life here then I will say that a patient is a patient is a patient, and it doesn't matter to me who they are or what they do. A body is a body is a body and I would treat them exactly the same as the homeless person the day before. I would be first and foremost a complete professional. I would be somewhat casual and laid back because that is my personality. As far as getting them ready I would simply tell them, "I need you to take everything off but your undies and we will start with that. (this is for men, women would get a gown, but last I checked football players in the NFL were all men). Then I would give them their exam and when it came time for them to drop 'em I would get a pair of gloves out of the box and as I was putting them on I would look them in the eye and say something along the lines of, "well, you know whats next". Most men get it when I say that, actually I have never had one that didn't.

Now, everyone knows I am a huge Pittsburgh Steelers fan and have been for 39 years. I had a crush on Terry Bradshaw when I was 6, and I love him even more now. He is so funny, I would have never imagined he would be as funny as he is. He played football when they played for the love of the game, back when football was real.

In the case that I should find myself in the position to give Terry Bradshaw a physical, I would walk into the room with a bright red face, embarrassed like a school girl. I would walk up to him and try to look him in the eyes as I told him that I have had a crush on him since I was six, that I consider him one of the best quarterbacks the NFL has or will ever see, that I admire him even more today for his comedic abilities, and I would be finding him someone else to do his physical because it would be very unprofessional for me to continue.

I am sure I would have a very dry mouth and even more sure that I would be stumbling over my words trying to talk to one of my childhood heros. I am sure I would be slightly giggly even though I would be trying my best not to be. Then with my face even more red than when I walked in the door I would try to tell him what an honor, a pleasure, and a dream come true it was to finally meet him. Then I would turn around and walk out the door. Then the next day when I had time to digest what had happened to me the day before I would be arguing with myself over why I didn't touch him, shake his hand or get his autograph, or something, then my professional side would be arguing back about how totally unprofessional and inappropriate that would have been.

So docisin4u, I hope that answers your questions.

Mashie

It would probably be much more exciting to be a doctor at the NFL combine. That's where they invite over 300 of the best college football players to be poked, prodded, examined and tested by teams of doctors for all of the 30+ NFL teams. There are a number of articles I found that describe the process, but it sounds like the exams are done in large teams of doctors all at once. They stress orthopedic exams for obvious reasons, but also make mention of the general physical exams that are also done.

Here are a few references that you may enjoy.

This stresses that the exam will be COMPLETE and THOROUGH:

http://www.nflcombine.net/players/medical-note/

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfldraft/columnist?id=1343355

http://www.mcall.com/sports/football/mc-fbn-combine-medical-0218-20150218-story.html

And I like this one because it says that the players enter the exam room wearing only their shorts!

http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/sportsdoc/NFL-Draft-a-team-doctors-role.html

I'd love to be there when the player is ordered to remove his shorts and stand before the team of doctors for his exam. Basically these guys are treated like a piece of meat, but that's somewhat understandable given the amount of money these teams are willing to fork over to hire them.

Also, you can read this online, per the NFL Collective Bargaining Agreement,

http://www.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_criteria_for_passing_an_NFL_physical

To be very honest, there aren't any male athletes whose balls I would like to squeeze. I like sex with my husband.

There are a few women I wouldn't mind a romp in the hay with.

I saw on the news this morning that baseball Spring Training starts today - The news anchor made it a point to say that the NY Mets report today for their physical exams.

I love JimmyJohnson's point about how the player is ordered to remove his shorts and stand before the team of doctors for his exam, and being treated like a piece of meat. I'm guessing the doctors will surely get some sort of thrill over this.