My very first discipline with diapers experience is one I do not
remember. Mother told me I had been out of diapers for a year or so and
did something to call for a spanking. This would have made me about
three years old. Mother told how she pulled my pants down and put me
across her lap. After a couple spanks I lost control of my pee- pee.
Perhaps I needed to pee-pee or possibly it was due to pain and fear, but
anyway I wet on her lap.
She was not pleased and I had to be punished. Mother was also afraid
that I would "piddle" later and damage furniture so she put me back into
diapers for a few days. She said that I did not seem to mind and would
tell her when I had to go. When you are three years old diapers are
nothing to be concerned about and wearing them did even register in my
memory. Soon the episode was history because I stayed dry and the
diapers were put back to use on my ten-month-old baby brothers.
However, I can vividly remember diapers when I was four and a half years
old. I experienced my mother's brand of discipline. It was simple,
direct, and intense humiliation! In later years mother would call it,
She would with great satisfaction relate my transgressions and resultant
punishments to my playmates. Then she would point out that misbehaving
children were really only babies who should be dressed and treated as
the babies they are. She would to say this to me in the hearing of my
friends and playmates on many future occasions.
My first and most traumatic disciplining event took place one summer
evening when our home was scheduled to be the scene of a festive
gathering of family and close friends.
Most of my cousins and their families were coming and several close
neighbor families with their children as well. We were going to have a
house full of people and a wonderful time. Everyone I knew in the world
My mother got me all dressed up in good clothes and sent me out into our
big fenced-in back yard to entertain myself and wait for the guests to
arrive. Above all, I was to stay neat and clean until the people would
start arriving. I remember being very excited and happy about the
But while at the far back fence I happened to look down at the front of
my pants and although I had no history of pants wetting it had just
happened. Horror stricken, I noticed a dark wet blotch growing on the
front of my nicely ironed light blue short pants. I had been completely
unaware of wetting.
It was a busy time for my mother as supper must have been about ready to
serve. She was making the final adjustments and putting the last minute
touches to the table before serving. The guests were to soon arrive.
When I went back up to the back porch my doubtlessly harried mother saw
my wet pants and told me that I was to come with her. Since I had acted
like a baby I certainly needed to be dressed like a baby. She said words
I have heard in my memory all my life since then, "Since you want to act
like a baby I am going to have to dress you like a baby."
I needed consolation and reassurance but I got condemnation. I was taken
into my nearly two and a half- year-old baby brothers' room and placed
upon the changing table.
There she removed my shoes and socks, my shirt, then my shorts and
underpants. Naked, I felt the cool air on my wet bottom and the coolness
of the washcloth as she prepared to diaper me. She fastened a strap over
me, as I lay on the table naked. Crying, I begged her not to put diapers
on me. After all, the other children would see me and I was a big boy of
four and a half. I begged to no avail.
I felt her left hand take hold of both my ankles and lift them up as the
diapers were placed under my behind. She put me down on the diapers and
then oiled and powdered me. Then I felt the softness of the diapers
being pulled up between my legs and her hand's strength as she pinned my
diapers up on either side. I begged for her to take the diapers off me,
but she said, "no, let's go." She then picked me up and stood me up on
my bare feet on the cool wood floor while taking my hand in hers to lead
me out to greet the first of our guests.
I must have cried until I became hysterical because all I remember for
the rest of the afternoon and evening is people laughing at me. I cried
and tried to hold myself so that my diapers could not be seen. Good luck
to me on that. "I thought that you were a big boy," was said frequently.
The evening is mercifully a blur but I believe that I was taken to the
potty, changed and put to bed when everyone tired of hearing my
desperate crying. I must have cried myself to sleep. Mother later on
told me that I was told not to wet my diapers that night and that if I
did I would be changed into dry diapers in the morning. I would not get
any big boy clothes back `until I was no longer a baby."
I was dry the next morning but crushed in spirit and filled with
embarrassment. My mother now knew what punishment I most feared. My
father used to be the one who punished me but now his spankings were
easy by comparison to mother's discipline. Now she clearly knew how to
I was diapered and threatened with diapers at times after that. But I
was diapered only infrequently and for short periods over the next few
I am sure now that my mother told others of my fear and her easy way to
control me. One of the people she told must have been our good neighbor
lady, Mrs. Jones.
I was seven and a half years of age the next time I remember a
particularly outstanding experience with diapers. My mother was to take
my two brothers to town; (doctor's office and other proceedings, etc.)
were to take all day.
I was to stay with Mrs. Jones and her two girls: my playmate of seven,
Jean, and her younger sister, a two and a half-year-old baby, named
Susan. I liked Jean and had never teased her as many of the other kids
had about her middle name, "Morton." "Morton" had been her mother's
maiden name. I didn't care and thought she was a nice girl. Pretty too!
I walked across the street to their house from mine as my parents drove
off taking my two younger twin brothers. Dad was going to work and
mother and my brothers to their day's doings. Dad's car disappeared up
the street and out of sight. That car and its occupants would not return
until day's end.
The first fun thing for us to do that sunny morning was a trip to the
swimming pool down at the city park. Arriving at the park we walked over
to a nearby picnic area that was handy to the pool. Jean immediately
stripped off her clothes. She stepped into her bathing suit but Mrs.
Jones had to help with her swimsuit. Her suit zipped up in the back and
Jean could not do it herself. All zipped up, her mother sent Jean off to
play at the pool that was about 30 feet away.
All dressing was done outdoors as there were no dressing rooms for
little kids because this pool was for babies and pre-school children.
Next she placed her baby, after her diapers had been removed and laid on
the table, into a training panty with baby pictures (like bunnies and
bears, etc.) printed on them. Susan was placed into the custody of a
teenage girl who was the "lifeguard" there at the little children's'
This left Mrs. Jones alone with me. I did not have a bathing suit and
thought when she started to undress me that she had a suit for me too.
This was great because I loved the water and wanted to join in the fun
with the other children. I had not been forgotten after all.
After removing my shoes and socks and tee shirt, she laid me down on a
green painted picnic bench. I felt my pants and underwear being removed
and soon the old familiar left handed grip on both my ankles at once.
She lifted my bottom and I felt the softness of Susan's two diapers
folded together being placed under me.
I must have clouded up to cry for she said, "Don't cry! I am baby
sitting you today. That means you must be a baby. All babies wear
diapers and since you are a baby you are supposed to wear diapers."
I was now able to stifle the urge to cry because I knew that crying
would not help me but only draw attention to me. I didn't want the other
children and their mothers to notice the diapers I would soon have on.
Especially since the diapers she was putting on me were the very ones
she had just taken off the two-and-a-half year old baby girl and
refolded a little to fit me.
After she drew the diapers up between my legs and pinned them she told
me that I looked "so cute." Taking my hand she led me over to the pool
and helped me in and I sat down as soon as I could in water deep enough
to cover up the diapers.
Two other mothers there kindly smiled at me but said nothing to me as I
sat down in the pool. They doubtlessly thought it a bit unusual for a
boy my age to be still in diapers and presumably not be potty-trained.
However, none of the other children said anything to me about my diapers
or even seemed to notice them.
The other children, two boys of about four and five years of age and
five girls ranging in age from two, three and five, and two my age,
splashed in the water while I just sat there covering up my diapers. I
must have been in shock.
Later one lady left with her children and in a short while so did the
other mother. That left only the Jones children and me. When it became
time for us to go Mrs. Jones first called my seven-year-old playmate out
of the pool and helped her out of her swimsuit. Jean dried off and put
on her regular play clothes. Next Mrs. Jones took the baby out and dried
her off putting her into some dry diapers.
It was customary for babies and diaper-aged children to wear only their
diapers and nothing else in the summer. The little girl was put under
the care of her big sister. Now, it was my turn to get out of the pool
and waddle over to the bench in my waterlogged diapers. I stumbled as I
tried to get out of the pool when she called me. The lifeguard asked if
I was okay and I told her I was.
Was I ever embarrassed - in wet diapers in front of all these girls. The
diapers were really so heavy that their weight surprised me. With water
pouring out of my diapers I could hardly walk in them. The girls were
very interested when they saw me and came with me to their mother.
I toddled over to her and Mrs. Jones dried me off down to the top of my
diapers. She brushed my hair to the side with her hand and then laid the
towel on the bench and told me to lie down on it. She unpinned my sopped
diapers and removed them leaving me embarrassed and naked before the
girls' view. Mrs. Jones said, "that never in her life had she seen a
baby in a wetter pair of diapers."
She then finished drying me and then loudly said that since it was such
a nice day she would just give me two more nice dry diapers to wear and
that way I wouldn't have to worry about getting my big boy clothes dirty
at play back home. She had the girls help her with the oil and powder on
my diaper area then she diapered me. The two and a half year-old asked
me if I was a baby while pointing to my diapers. I am sure she was
curious because she, as a toddler, associated diapers with babies. I was
too big, she figured, to be a baby but if I wore diapers then I must be
a baby anyway. I almost lost it and started to cry but I didn't cry. We
went back to the car and climbed into the back seat and Mrs. Jones put
all our stuff into the front seat. My playmate, Jean, was told to "watch
I was feeling keen embarrassment but refusing to cry and in my mind
justify Mrs. Jones' babying of me. When we got back to the house Mrs.
Jones took the little girl with her and my playmate led me by the hand
into the house.
My playmate, Jean, insisted that both babies must be thirsty so bottles
were made and given to both us "babies." I drank my bottle down as it
had Pepsi cola in it and I liked Pepsi. Giving me a fresh baby bottle of
Pepsi Jean and I went out into her large stockade-fenced back yard to
play. When I finished that bottle Jean got me yet another bottle of
Pepsi to guzzle down. I didn't think about the Pepsi's effect on my
bladder. I just liked the taste.
After about an hour, it must have been about 10:00 a.m. Jean and I went
to the back screen door and asked Mrs. Jones if we could come in to use
the bathroom. She told me, "you are wearing diapers. You have to do
pee-pee in your diapers- that's what they are for." I told her I had to
both pee-pee and poop and she again told me that was what my diapers
were for. Jean was allowed in to use the bathroom because "Jean is not a
baby in diapers."
I tried to hold it in but soon the Pepsi began to work. As I was
stooping down playing in the sandbox the warm pee-pee started coming.
Just a few drops at first but soon the floodgate opened and I started to
soak my diapers. I couldn't stop it. At first the diapers contained it
turning yellow in front but soon pee-pee was coming out through the
fabric in the front of my diapers and then in rivulets down my legs.
Pee-pee splashed down from my crotch and splattered my legs. The sand
then stuck to my feet and lower legs. I never knew that diapers would
leak like that. My diapers were simply overwhelmed. Sand stuck to me
where I was wet and made me really look and feel like a little baby and
then I had to poop before I knew what was happening. I will never forget
the feeling of the back of the diaper being filled and the resistance
the diapers gave to my bowel movement. I wanted to run and hide.
All I knew was that I was wearing a soaked and pooped diaper in front of
my girlfriend. She scolded me for being such a baby. She called out,
"Jimmy's got dirty diapers, Jimmy's got dirty diapers" and called her
mom who came out and led me back into the kitchen with diapers still
dripping as I went. There on the linoleum kitchen floor she laid me down
on top of a towel for a changing pad and unpinned my diapers. She
cleaned me up having the girls help her. I think she used a bath towel
as she cleaned me.
I remember that the baby held my diaper pins and the powder for her
mother to use on me. I was so embarrassed to have to be babied like that
in front of both girls. With a wash cloth or two she cleaned me up from
the waist down to between my sandy toes. I was a mess for sure. I was
then taken to the bathroom where I could be washed up the rest of the
way in the tub.
Again the girls had helped their mother clean, powder, and change my
diapers. Little two and half year old Susan's job was to powder my
bottom. She ended up getting powder all over me.
I was now given a fourth baby bottle full of Pepsi. In an hour or so I
was called back into the house to see if I was dry. "We don't want our
big baby to get a 'dydee' rash on his bottom, do we?" I was dry but my
diapers were changed anyway. Mrs. Jones touched the front of my diapers
giving me feelings that I had never had before. I liked the rubbing
motion that she did on the front of my diapers. I remember the intense
pleasure and then the peace. After more play with Jean's little cars and
toys in the sandbox it was time for lunch. I remember being careful
sitting down in the sandbox because I would get sand into my diapers and
Mrs. Jones called and asked Jean to check the baby's and my diapers and
see if either of us had wet. She put her hand down the front of each set
of our diapers and then pronounced us dry to her mother. It tickled when
Jean reached down the front of my diapers and I pulled away from her but
she felt enough to know that I was dry. I was beginning to like the
ready sexual familiarity I was experiencing although it never occurred
to me that it was all one way. I never got to touch either of the girls
although it never occurred to me at the time. But it was nice getting
their attention. Maybe wearing diapers and having girls take care of you
could have a good side...
Soon it was time for lunch. The baby was fed and put into her crib
first. Then Jean and I were called in. Jean's place was set for a big
kid, but mine had a baby plate and baby bottle. The ceramic plate was
pink and had worn out pictures of baby things on it. The plate was
hollow and was supposed to be filled with hot water and keep baby's food
hot. It was thick and the surface was divided into three sections. But,
things were to get worse...
The high chair was still there from the baby and I was lifted into it
and belted in. Jean teased me a little and her mother stopped her by
telling her that she "had enough diapers to put her back into diapers,
too, if she couldn't be good." I was put into a bib and spoon-fed my
food by Mrs. Jones. My sandwich was cut up baby style. I felt so babyish
sitting in a high chair, wearing only a diaper and bib and being fed
with a big spoon that held lot more baby food than I could swallow. This
meant a lot of it got smeared around my mouth and chin. I really needed
a wash-up after eating.
After lunch I again told Mrs. Jones that I needed to go pee-pee. She
again refused to let me go to the bathroom. She now knew I was a heavy
wetter so she tried to put a pair of the baby's waterproof panties on me.
I was just a little too big for the baby's panties. She was afraid that
the bottom snaps on her panties would tear so Mrs. Jones got some extra
diapers and put them under me there in the highchair. I had to stay
there until I wet and fortunately Pepsi cola has always gone through me
quickly. I wet my diapers and probably all the diapers she put under my
Again after being ridiculed for being such a big baby, I was washed,
oiled, powdered, and re-diapered and taken into her bedroom for a nap.
"All babies take naps," she said. Just as a precaution so I would not
wet her bed she had me nap on top of a big raincoat. This made sense
diapered as I was with no waterproof panties.
As she put me on the bed for naptime she again rubbed the front of my
diapers. Again I felt pleasure as before. I am sure I experienced
another dry orgasm again.
My diapers were changed several more times that day but I only wet once
more that afternoon. I did not tell her I was going to wet that time; I
just went ahead and wet. I sat down under the big tree we were playing
under and let my diapers leak into the grass. I squeezed my legs
together and forced as much pee-pee out of my wet diapers as would go.
I wore my wet diapers for a long time until they began to be cold and
uncomfortable. I had to wet again and as I was soaking my diapers Jean
noticed and came over to me. Then we went to the back door and told Mrs.
Jones that I was wet and needed to be changed. Each time of change was
made into a lesson for the girls in male anatomy. My "spigot" was the
thing of the day.
I was also changed each time the baby had her diapers changed. She may
have pinned the same dry diapers on me that she had just taken off me. I
do not know. I had my diapers changed frequently all afternoon and I
found that I was enjoying being babied more and more. Ashamed at first I
was now enjoying the diapers and the feelings I got from them.
Especially when Mrs. Jones rubbed the front of my diapers for me.
I liked the smell of the baby powder and the intimate attentions of the
girls as well. Jean especially liked to "check me for wetness." We
played "Mommy and baby" and you know who the baby was. I started to
enjoy riding in the baby buggy and being babied. Jean would open my
diaper pins and pretended to change me. I really liked the experience.
Late in the day, probably about five thirty p.m., I was again called in
and told that it was time for me to get ready to go home. Mrs. Jones
removed my diapers and I was given a "sponge bath" on my diaper areas to
remove any oil and powder residues. Given back my clothes I got dressed
in my big boy clothes. Mrs. Jones helped me dress as if I did not know
what went where. I never told my mother or anyone about what happened to
me that day. There were two reasons: first I was afraid that I would not
be believed - and secondly and probably worse yet - told that I had only
gotten what I deserved - being dressed and treated like the little baby
that I was. I knew better than to expect sympathy from my mother.
Strangely, Jean never teased me about that day or even mentioned it for
a long time, maybe a month or more.
One sunny afternoon Jean and I were out playing together and she said
that she wanted to play "mommy, daddy, and baby" with me. I told her no
way, that I was not a baby and wasn't going to play like one. Jean then
told me that if I didn't let her baby me first that she would tell all
our friends about me wearing diapers that day. A few days later she
brought the subject up again and told me that she wanted to play baby
with me right then and to come with her. She took me into her baby
sister's bedroom and told me she wanted to put a diaper on me and give
me a bottle. I was scared of being caught but pulled my pants off and
lay down on Susan's bed to be diapered. While she was powdering and
pinning my diaper Jean said that we would play "daddy and baby" next and
it would be my turn to diaper her and give her a bottle. She diapered me
and then I pulled my shorts on over the diaper. My shorts easily came
back up over the one diaper Jean had pinned on me. We then went by the
kitchen where she went to the refrigerator and got a bottle of formula
to feed to me in the back yard. I had the bottle about half done when we
heard her mother coming and hid the bottle behind the sandbox.
Mrs. Jones asked what we were doing and Jean told her we were playing
and looking at a magazine. A "Life" magazine happened to be there on a
big wooden chair. Mrs. Jones told Jean that I had to leave right then
because they were going to Raleigh to go shopping. Mrs. Jones left to
get the baby ready and Jean slipped in and got me my underpants back but
I had to leave still wearing the diaper. I was to drop the diaper back
over the fence when I could get out of it. I went into the woods and
took the diaper off and put my underpants back on and started back home.
On the way back from the woods I tossed the diaper over their fence so
it would look like Susan had just carried it there. We never played baby
again. I guess that our close call at being caught by her mom cured Jean
of any more attempts at blackmailing me. Besides, it would have been her
turn to be the baby next time.
Time goes by and my mother does a lot of threatening but diapers me
probably once or twice a year until I was ten. At the age of ten I was
home alone with mother and failed to obey her fast enough in cleaning up
my room. She gave me fair warning but I forgot and was punished with
diapers again. I was told to take my clothes off and go lie down on my
bed. Mother soon appeared with the diapers and soon had them folded for
me. I was then told to raise my rear and the diapers were placed under
me. As she diapered me she gave me the speech about acting like a baby
and being dressed like a baby. A little powder and then she brought the
diapers up between my legs and pinned them. I then cleaned my room and
stayed there. The thing that made this punishment noteworthy was that
midway through the morning I was told to go to our neighbor's house
three houses down and fetch a bag of tomatoes and squash for my mother.
I asked if I could wear shorts over the diapers but I should have known
better than to ask for mercy - there would be no mercy! Mother just
laughed at me and told me to get going. I left the house by the back
porch door and made my way to the neighbor's house by the back yards so
no one would see the diapers I was wearing.
I knocked on the door but it seemed to me that Mrs. Hughes was taking
forever to come to the door. When she saw me she let me inside quickly
and was very amused to see me. Giggling she had me explain why I was
still wearing diapers during the day at the age of ten. I explained that
I was being punished. She gave me a sugar cookie and in baby talk and
tones said, " that everything would be okay because punishments make us
better." I am not sure what she meant.
Mrs. Hughes had the tomatoes and stuff together in a paper bag for me
but phoned my mother to ask if it would be all right if she fed me a
little snack with her child. My mother obviously agreed and I was told
to go sit by the playpen beside the sofa. In a few moments she returned
with her ten-month old daughter and put her in her carrier in the
playpen. I was then told to sit in the playpen too. The baby was given
her gum soother from the refrigerator and I was given a little bottle of
apple juice. I told her I was not a baby and did not use bottles. She
told me that "since I wore baby diapers I could certainly drink from
baby bottles." I was told to drink it all down and be nice and obey or
she would have to pull my diapers down and give me a "panking." She said
she would tell my mother that " I had been a naughty baby at her house."
Mrs. Hughes teased me a lot. As soon as I could I finished the little
bit of juice in the bottle and asked to leave. I was then given some
animal crackers to eat. She told me I was a "good little boy" when they
were gone. After I finished my four animal crackers she asked if I was
thirsty. I told her I was but that I didn't want another baby bottle -
even a little one like I had drunk.
She then helped me up out of the playpen and sat me on her lap on the
sofa. She explained that her baby was teething and had been unable to
nurse for the past few days. Her breasts were sore and leaking from too
much pressure. She gently laid my head back and from her unbuttoned
blouse popped a nipple in my mouth before I knew what was happening. She
told me to nurse it very gently. I did as she said and warm sweet fluid
just shot into my mouth. In a few minutes I got the hang of it and just
sucked away and listened to her heartbeat. In a little while "it was
time," she said, "to do the other side." This breast was easier to nurse
than the first because it had already started to leak enough for her to
have to hold a spare diaper over the nipple to save her blouse.
Suddenly, I felt some wetness in my diapers. She felt me wet, too, and
told me it was okay. She told me that her baby often did "wettu'ms"
during feeding times and that it was only natural. She told me not to
worry about wetting on her lap and hand. I didn't wet all that much. She
said it was her fault because she knew I didn't have any plastic panties
on - just my diapers. She told me I could stop nursing in just a few
more minutes. Soon the nursing was done to her satisfaction and she was
happy. I stopped and she tucked her breast back into her special front
opening bra and buttoned her blouse.
I could not help crying about wetting my diapers so she asked me if I
wanted her to change me and I told her "yes, please, because I am wet
and will get in trouble with my mother for wetting." Mrs. Hughes then
told me to lie down on the sofa and she would change my diapers and my
mother would not be told I had wet since I had been so nice to her.
She unpinned my wet diapers and washed my front with a wash cloth. She
said she was not used to "diapering babies my size" so she used the
diapers she took off me as a pattern by which to fold and pin the dry
ones. She then placed the fresh pair of Curity 21x40 diapers under me. A
little powder and then she and pinned me up. After she changed me she
"checked" my diapers with her hand "to see if my diapers were too
loose." All done with my diaper change she tossed my wet diapers in a
pail near the playpen. In baby talk she told me to "be careful going
home" just like I was a real two year old.
I took off for home returning without anyone seeing me. On the way home
I fully realized that I had nursed that lady's breasts and I felt very
babyish and embarrassed. I know I must have blushed beet red all over.
Lucky for me my mother never suspected anything probably figuring that I
was just embarrassed about wearing the diapers outside.
Mother asked me what I had for my snack and I told her "some apple
juice, milk, and animal crackers." I didn't dare lie to her but I didn't
volunteer any other information. I don't think she knew about the bottle
and breast and I never wanted to give her any ideas. By the time for
lunch was over my bladder was full from all the milk I had gotten from
Mrs. Hughes but I was able to hold it and not wet my diapers.
Once I fell out of a pine tree and knocked the pee-pee out of myself and
wet my pants but mother took that in stride and did not diaper me for
that wetting. She must have figured that the pain I was in was
I usually was dressed only in diapers during discipline but I remember
once at the age of eleven she weakened and mercifully let me wear a tee
shirt with my diapers. It was early spring and she probably did not want
me getting sick. I was grateful for the shirt because it was long enough
to cover up the top half of my diapers and it helped keep me warm. I
could even stick my knees up under the shirtfront when I sat down. I
can't remember what I did this time to make my way back into diapers
As I remember this session lasted most of the day and I was afraid that
my little brothers would see me. I stayed under the house or in my room,
as mother would allow until she finally took the diapers off me.
She believed in diaper discipline for a variety of things: for sassing
her, for bed or pants wetting, or saying that I didn't like any new
food, not obeying quickly, or lying. From the age of seven until
thirteen my diaperings were most usually for bedwetting, except once for
disobedience and once for sassing.
For sassing mother, and I can't remember what I did or said, but I was
volunteered by my mother to be the Baby New Year at our neighborhood
association's New Year's Eve party.
This was when I was twelve years old. All my dread and fear of being
punished in front of the whole neighborhood turned out to be groundless.
In fact, the days of dread turned out to be my only punishment for
whatever my crime had been. Mother would tease me telling me she had not
yet decided whether she would diaper me at the party or privately
beforehand at home or whether or not I would be in diapers all the
following New Year's Day.
I had visions of her putting me into my diapers on right on stage. As it
worked out, she diapered me there at the school in the ladies' restroom.
She led me by the hand into the ladies' room and told me to take my
clothes off and lie down on a big brown leather sofa. No one came in the
room while she diapered me. I felt fortunate because I was afraid one of
the girls would come in and get to watch mother diaper her little baby.
The occasion turned out to be a fizzle as a punishment. Well diapered I
walked with mother down the hall dressed in a top hat, sash, and five
diapers (she wanted them thick and bulky) toward the auditorium. I was
in great fear of being seen but it quickly became apparent that every
one thought of my diapers as only a part of my New Year celebration
costume. Besides, some of the other boys said that they wanted a turn to
wear the diapers, too.
Being quick witted, I turned a potentially embarrassing situation to my
favor. The boys were filled with curiosity. They wanted to know what the
diapers felt like and if I could go to the bathroom in them. I was a
sort of a celebrity at the party.
Even the girls thought I was brave and cool to wear real baby diapers to
play Baby New Year. They teased and asked if they could change my
diapers for me. "Sure," I told them but I am still dry, but I'll call
you when I am wet." I would have liked for them to have changed me but I
knew my mother never would let any girls my age or even close change me.
No one would change me but her. Besides, I was not about to wet and
incur her wrath if I could help it.
Interestingly, I noticed that my best friend, Tommy, seemed just
fascinated and could not take his eyes off my diapers. Tommy knew that I
wore diapers as punishment from time to time and told me that I was
lucky to have a mother who would put diapers on me. When we became
thirteen he later got to enjoy the "luck" with me. I suppose I did cut a
dashing figure in my diapers, top hat, and New Year sash handing out
candy and party favors to everyone and calling out, "Happy New Year."
When the program was over and we went the few blocks back home and I was
put to bed. I was still in my diapers and was told that if they were wet
in the morning I would get a change and have to wear them all day.
Again, I was dry in the morning when she came in to check me. I had
purposely not had anything to drink at the party for fear of this. I
remember trying to sleep with all those diapers on. It was surprisingly
hard to find a comfortable position and also to get calmed down from the
New Year's party.
My diaper sessions were usually done in private between mother and me,
but she would rarely miss an opportunity to embarrass me. She would tell
my friends on occasion of what she had done to me in times gone by. They
would be regaled at my expense. At least they did not know or even
suspect that my punishments with diapers yet continued.
As a teen most of my diaperings came about when I would wet and try to
hide the wet bedclothes in the washer. Mother would catch me and tell me
to load the washer and go to my room and take my pants off and wait for
her. I didn't wet that often but mother would make a "federal case" out
of each and every occurrence.
I would know what was coming but she would keep me in anxiety for a
while then she would come into my room with a few diapers in one hand
and pins and powder in the other. I would try not to look, as she would
fold the diapers together and lay them out on the bed beside me. She
would then tell "baby" to roll over on his tummy and powder would go on
his cheeks. Then "baby" was rolled back over onto his diapers for powder
and pinning. I hated exposing myself as I had to when she made me spread
my legs and keep my hands on my chest.
The diapers were pulled up and pinned tightly and the speech would be
given that "baby" would be given big boy clothes if his diapers were dry
after the noon meal. This was not easy, as I was not allowed to go to
the bathroom after she caught me. I remember once I had to go real bad.
I had probably wet the bed early the previous evening and needed to
pee-pee and poopies when I woke up. I was not allowed into the bathroom
when I awoke and my bladder was full. Even as mother prepared to diaper
me I begged to be allowed to pee-pee in the toilet before being
diapered. It must have been during cold weather because I had to stay
inside the house. She refused and told me I should have thought of going
to the bathroom before wetting the bed. This meant that I couldn't sneak
under the house and pee- pee. Knowing that I would soon go in my diapers
she laid out an old oilcloth tablecloth on the floor picnic style and
made me sit on it there in the kitchen where she could keep an eye on
me. She told me if I moved the seat of my diapers off the oilcloth that
I would be in diapers for another complete day and to test her if I felt
brave. This way she figured I could use my diapers and hurt nothing. Her
plan worked in about fifteen minutes. I felt the wetness start and
quickly spread through out the seat of my diapers. She asked me, "is
baby was wetting his little dydees?" "Oh, surely not because he says
that he is a big boy but I think that he is a little baby because I can
see his bottom is all wet with pee-pee and poopies." The diapers held my
poop pretty well but soon the brown stain was spreading all around me on
the oilcloth. She teased me and made me sit in my wet, cold, and smelly
diapers for a long time. By the time she decided to change me I was wet,
cold, and dirty from the waist down. She kept telling me I was acting
twelve months old not twelve years old.
I am sure that she was hoping someone would come to visit so I could be
"properly" embarrassed in front of him or her in my now soaked and dirty
After my diaper change Mother then told me that now because I had wet
and dirtied myself like a baby I would be in diapers until after supper.
If those diapers were wet, I would be changed into fresh new diapers and
tested again after breakfast the next day. Mother had at least a couple
dozen diapers for me at any time so she would not run short. She kept
them in the cedar chest in her bedroom.
Sometimes to punish me and perhaps demonstrate her control Mother would
call me to come out of my room or back yard and greet a guest of her's
who might visit while I was being disciplined. I then had to come to the
room where they were and stand in front of them in just my diapers and
tell them what I had done to be dressed as such a big baby.
If I were not compliant enough to suit mother I would then face even
more hours of diaper discipline. I had to speak loudly and distinctly
with no crying and keep my hands behind my back. I had to stand in front
of the guests until mother would tell me I could go back to my room.
Fortunately this only happened twice and both times her lady friends of
seemed sympathetic to my plight and me although one lady did, tongue in
cheek, offer to send over to me some of her baby's outgrown toys.
I now wish I had been able at the time to have acted proud of, or at
least indifferent to my diapers. I should have done a little dance in
them in front of mother and her guests making them think that I enjoyed
my diapers. Maybe I could have laid down on the floor in front of mother
and asked her to redo my pins to make my diapers more snug. When
dismissed by mother I should have asked her if I could go out to the
front lawn and play ball with some of the other kids. Questions like
these would have taken all the fun out of punishing me and given her a
bit to think about.
I was small framed and slim - well able to fit into the 21 x 40 inch
Curity baby diapers mother used on me as long as she diapered me. I
remember thinking in later years that I should have gotten so fat like
my twin brothers that she couldn't get a diaper on me!
In the summer of my thirteenth year I had the hormones of puberty raging
and pulling in me and I wet my bed big time one July week. Mother had
always warned what would happen to me if ever I would happen to wet.
My brothers were away at Boy Scout camp. I couldn't go because I was
very allergic to poison ivy which was all over the camp site. A neighbor
child had a birthday party the previous evening at which I drank too
close to bedtime and stayed up later than usual. Two bad mistakes. That
morning my wet condition was discovered by my mother's keen nose and I
was caught. She told me to put all the wet sheets and p.j.'s in the
washer and go back to my room and wait for her there naked. Time spent
waiting for her was always agony. She gave dad his breakfast and saw him
off. Meanwhile, I was left naked in my room dreading what was coming.
At thirteen I had to fight erections at diaperings because I had grown
to enjoy the sexual feelings that were now strongly associated with
diapers. Soon she came into my room carrying several diapers, pins and
powder. I knew the drill and lay down on the stripped mattress and
turned over onto my stomach. I didn't want to look as she folded the
diapers to pin on me. I would just lie there fighting an erection.
Soon I heard the diapers being folded and arranged and felt the powder
falling onto my bottom and then being spread on my cheeks. She then told
me to turn over onto my diapers and my front was powdered. As the
diapers were coming up between my legs and being pinned I was told that
I was to go out into the back yard and wait until she called me to hang
up my laundry. There was no use begging for a little mercy or even
saying a word.
I just went down the hall, into the kitchen, and out onto the sunny
porch where I sat down on the steps just outside the screen door's arc.
I had been there before many times dressed only in my diapers. I think I
sat there on the steps for some fifteen minutes or so.
Afraid that someone would see me, I planned to go into the crawlspace
under the house again as I had done several times before when in this
circumstance. The yard was actually pretty well contained, as mothers'
rose bushes were tall and tightly arranged, almost like a hedge.
My next door neighbor, a pretty thirteen-year-old girl, Nancy, just
happened to look out of her second story bedroom window and see me
sitting on the steps. She figured I was being disciplined. She liked me
and wanted to help me, I think. She diapered herself, had on a light
cotton dress when she came over to be with me.
I did not see or hear her until I saw her coming around the corner of
the house. She was holding the front of her dress up so I could see all
of her stomach and most of her chest. I was frozen in place. She was so
pretty. This was the first time I had seen a girl's breasts since I had
nursed from Mrs. Hughes. She came to me and sat down beside me, putting
her arm around my shoulders and telling me, " that I was a good boy and
didn't deserve to be punished like this."
We talked about school and our plans for 8th grade. Later Mother opened
the back door and put a baby bottle full of warm formula down on the
concrete and told Nancy that the bottle was for the "baby." This was the
only time mother ever gave me a baby bottle of formula in all the years
of disciplining me. She said that I should drink it right down and that
she would be back for the empty bottle soon. If I didn't finish the
bottle quickly I would be given a re-fill. It would be difficult for me
to be dry at lunch after drinking that bottle and that meant that I
would have been in diapers until after supper at the least.
Nancy led me down to the rose arbor. She sat down slipping off her
shoes. She removed a sock and told me to lie down so that my head would
be in the crook of her arm. I expected the "ba-ba" as Nancy called the
She knew that I was aroused because my penis made my diapers stand out
rather tentlike. She had seen my erection clearly as we sat and talked
and then walked down the pathway to the arbor together. I felt her hand
slip under my diapers and pull her thick cotton Bobbie-sock down over
the shaft of my penis. She gripped my penis in her hand and moved up and
down a couple times and I had my first wet orgasm into her sock. It was
well that she liked thick socks because I soaked the sock well.
Nancy made sure the orgasm was done and was not going to leak on my
diapers. Nancy knew more about boys than I did in that regard for sure.
I have since wondered how she came to be so knowledgeable about boys
since she had no brothers. She told me that now my mother would not find
"my diapers wet with 'boy juice' and mistake it for pee-pee."
So saying she put the nipple of the bottle into my mouth and I quickly
nursed the warm formula down. All the time I nursed from the bottle I
kept my eyes closed and marveled at the wonderful feelings I had just
The orgasm had frightened me at first because I had first thought that I
was peeing into my diapers and would have to wear diapers all day. Nancy
thought I was silly to not know the difference between wetting and
having an orgasm.
Soon she finished feeding me the bottle. This was the first time; anyone
had held a bottle for me and fed it to me since I had been a tiny baby.
I remember she would pull the nipple away from me occasionally to let
the air back into the bottle.
As we started to go back to the porch she told me to stand up and put
both my arms around her neck. She then rubbed and patted my back and
suddenly squeezed me to her and sure enough I gave out with a loud burp.
She wiped all the spilt formula off my chin and face with her skirt. We
could smell the strong baby formula smell on my breath.
Nancy thought it was sweet for my breath to be so "babylike." She set
the empty bottle down on the back porch where my mother could pick it
up. While we were waiting for my mother to come for my empty bottle
Nancy asked me where the bottle had come from. Nancy said that she
already suspected that I wore diapers from time to time because she had
seen them drying on the clothesline before. The 21 by 40-inch Curity
gauze diapers would not have fit either of my rotund twin brothers.
Nancy asked where the bottle had come from. I told her that my little
baby cousin, Janie, from Roanoke, VA had been visiting with us some time
back and her mother had accidentally forgotten the bottle along with a
few of her diapers. These left items had just added to my mother's baby
collection for me.
Just then Mother opened the door and picked up the empty bottle and
asked Nancy if "baby" had drunk it all. Nancy replied that I had nursed
it all down. In an hour or so Nancy noticed my distress and asked me
when I had last went pee-pee. I did not know as I had been asleep in bed
when last I relieved myself. She told me that she would stand guard for
me if I wanted to go under the house or back to the rose bush that could
not be seen from the house and pee-pee. I could feel all that formula in
my stomach and knew I had to take a chance.
I had told Nancy before that I was forbidden during diaper discipline to
go pee-pee out side my diapers, but since I needed to go badly, I
hesitantly took her up on her offer and risked it by watering that rose
bush out the leg of my diapers. I was very careful not to get any
wetness on the diapers.
The penalty, if I had been caught, would have been seven complete days,
twenty-four hours per day, in diapers. I would have had to have worn
diapers to church, school, and whatever else the schedule of
appointments called for during that week! I mean cloth diapers with no
waterproof panties or even soaker pants. A "doubler" diaper would have
been the best I could have hoped for. I would have severely wet or
messed any clothes I may have had on wherever or whenever. She would not
have bought me any waterproof panties to wear over my cloth diapers.
If mother felt merciful I would have gotten to wear something over them
- if not, I would just have to have worn my poopy or soppy diapers
shopping or wherever until she changed me. However, there was a good
side to having nothing on over the diapers. If I just had to pee-pee I
could just spread my legs and let it run on the floor or ground and then
move away from my puddle. But if I had pants on the pants legs would get
wet and both tell on me. This made me feel very uncomfortable and
ashamed. I had just enough experience in these maneuvers to know how to
survive if I had to. Nancy figured I would not stay dry until after
Lunch was two hours and some away and I would have to wet my diapers for
sure with all that formula in me. I have hated condensed milk and Kayro
syrup from that hour till the present. I think the bottle was mother's
insurance that her "baby" would be wet at lunchtime. That afternoon she
planned to go food shopping with a friend who drove and I would surely
have had to go along. She would have dressed me only in diapers with
maybe a short tee shirt and a pair of white socks with no shoes. I hated
the thought of having to ride in the shopping cart dressed that way and
risk being seen by anyone I knew.
She also desired further humiliation of "baby" in front of a pretty girl
by making me nurse down that bottle of baby formula. Never the less
Nancy was understanding and we talked more about school and her sick
mom. Nancy's mom actually died later on that summer. It was getting on
toward lunch when Nancy said that she wanted to walk back to the rose
Again she had again noticed my erect penis sticking up under my diapers.
She was so pretty and that loose fitting dress really aroused me. She
could not have missed seeing the bulge on the front of my diapers that
my penis was making. After all, diapers were all I had on.
Again she sat down after kicking off her shoes and took off her dry
sock. I knew what was coming but had no will to say, "no." I was
thoroughly smitten with her.
Her hand slid under the diapers with and again a bulky sock slid down
over my penis. Her long red hair was hanging over my shoulder touching
me. She smelled so pretty too. Her grip on my penis was delicate yet
firm and my shaking body was soon experiencing orgasm for the second
time in my life. She massaged all the "boy juice" out and held me for a
while getting every drop of wetness.
She laughed and said she sometimes liked wet socks. She must have
enjoyed the feel of the wet socks on her feet. In any event she now had
a pair of wet bobbie-socks. She put her foot back into the sock and
smoothed it down. I could see wet spots and blotches on the sock clearly.
She walked with me back to the porch. She then soon thereafter left to
go to get ready to go with her dad to visit her mom in the hospital.
Nancy gave me a little kiss and a pat to the front of my diapers when
she left. That was nice.
Soon my mother came to the back door with the laundry for me to hang up.
I hung it all quickly, but very neatly, and was called in for lunch. I
had a sandwich and two big bowls of soup that were calculated to make me
wet early in the afternoon during the shopping trip. She was just sure I
would be wet and have to go shopping with her. With all the fluids I was
taking in during lunch I would never be able to stay dry in the
afternoon and the two ladies would have had a thirteen-year-old baby in
very wet diapers to tease and embarrass all afternoon.
All during lunch I kept dancing and fidgeting like I really had to go to
the bathroom. Also during lunch I had to nurse down all the left over
formula she made for me earlier. It amounted to another full bottle.
At the conclusion of lunch, after she had slowly washed the last dish
and I had finished my lunch she finally took me into my room and undid
my diapers to inspect my "dydees" for the slightest wetness.
Mother was, I think, very surprised that I was still dry. When she gave
me permission I jumped up off the diapers and bed and ran to the
bathroom and stayed a long time and flushed twice, for effect. Mother
was happy - a little disappointed - but I had been taught yet another
good lesson. The lesson was not as strong as she had planned for the
afternoon but strong nonetheless.
When her lady friend came to take her shopping I was allowed to stay and
play there at home. I noticed that the car she drove had a big baby seat
in the back seat but no baby. I am sure it had been put there for me had
I not been dry. The two ladies were deprived of teasing their big baby.
Mother had no idea what had actually happened that day. My first two wet
orgasms and both of them into diapers! As the twig is bent so grows the
tree, I hear...
Mother would threaten and control me off and on in the years to come
occasionally diapering me for short periods. She would sometimes just
show me some diaper pins and ask me if I knew what they were. I would
immediately stop whatever I was doing and do whatever pleased her. . I
knew she would diaper me in a heartbeat!
Once I was put into diapers because my guest wet his pants. My best
friend Tommy, the one who had admired my diapers at the New Year party,
was over to play a board game with me in my room. Mother was house
cleaning and came to the bathrooms and asked us if we needed to go and
we answered in unison, "no." She left and it was not long before Tommy
confessed to me that he had wet his pants on the school bus. He had had
to choose between the rest room and the school bus that was about to
leave and decided to take the bus. Oh well, his pants were drying well.
An hour passed and mother happened to poke her head into my room and she
smelled urine immediately. She asked if one of us had a problem. We
played innocent and she came in and asked us to stand. The jig was up.
"Teenagers shouldn't wet their pants nor withhold the truth!" We were
Tommy was told to take off his wet pants right then so they could be
washed. I was told to take off my clothes and get on the bed. Tommy was
told to put my clothes on until his were ready since "I would not need
them." She left and came right back with the usual punishment diapers.
She diapered me right there in front of Tommy for concealing the fact
that he had wet.
Mother said," if you want to act like a baby and conceal things from
your mother then you need to be dressed appropriately. I was red as a
beet and wearing four thick Curity diapers.
I was surprised when Tommy told my mother that "since I wet, I think
that I am the one who deserves the most to be put into diapers." Mother
nodded but said nothing. She left and came back with more diapers - this
time for Tommy. He was diapered and the clothes were taken away because
"Babies don't wear big boy clothes - just their diapers."
We stayed in my room and played at our game in just our diapers until
mother came back with his stuff. Tommy had quietly told me that he liked
the diapers and thought that they were fun. He reminded me of the New
Year's Party when I had been Baby New Year. He had thought that I was
lucky. After completing the washing and drying of his clothes mother
came back in. She told Tommy to lay down on the bed. His diapers were
removed and he was told to put his pants and shirt back on.
She made no move to remove my diapers until Tommy interceded for me and
asked if Jimmy could have his clothes back too. Mother said she thought
that it would be all right under the circumstances - "just this once."
She then removed my diapers and allowed us to go outside and play.
Tommy told me that he was going to ask his mother if she would let him
wear diapers sometimes. She must have failed to see the logic of his
request and I don't think he ever got her to diaper him. In the spring
of the following year my mother again thought needful to put me back
into diapers for a short time.
During adolescence I would find relief from my drives and feelings by
occasionally buying a half dozen diapers. They also came in packages of
six when I was young. I then took them out into the deep woods and
pinned them on and wet into them and would masturbate in the wet diapers
as a treat. I then would walk around in the wet diapers and when done
throw all the diapers away.
Occasionally I would do my pooping in my diapers and use the soiled
diapers and the creek to clean up. I was not big on pooping myself
because of the difficulty in clean up. I couldn't take the left over
diapers home and run the risk of them being found. If one of those
diapers I bought had been found I don't know what would have happened. I
probably would have been put back into diapers forever!
Time goes on and a few months later after my sixteenth birthday my
mother diapered me again intending to humiliate me to the maximum. Most
times mother's diapering of me was done privately between the two of us
and I was often allowed to stay in my room. Not this time.
I had just gotten my driver's license and was taking her to see one of
her friends. I pulled out a little too quickly in front of another
driver and frightened her. This was taken as "sassing" on my part. She
really thought that I had pulled out too quickly on purpose - just to
scare her. She told me to take the car home and arriving home I was told
to go to my room and take off my pants. I knew what was coming.
I started an erection in anticipation of being diapered. I tried not to
out of sheer embarrassment. I considered myself a young man whose
genitals were private. For my mother to see them made me less of a man I
felt. At least it embarrassed me greatly when she saw me naked. The
application of powder and the spreading of the legs as I raised my rear
in baby fashion for her to slide my diapers in under me was the pits.
She came into my room with the usual pins, diapers, and powder. My penis
became erect and I could not get it to go down.
Ever since my day with Mrs. Jones diapers had a strong sexual connection
in my mind. Mrs. Jones' rubbing my diapers, giving me dry orgasms, and
letting the girls see me naked and touch me had also had effected me.
Then Nancy had given me my first two wet orgasms in diapers three years
Mother took my erect penis in her hand and said that I was indeed
getting to be a "big baby" - and with her free hand suddenly slapped it
hard. I remember crying hard because it hurt almost as badly as when I
had hurt it on my bike when my feet slipped off the pedals coming up a
steep hill. Before this time I never cried when diapered except back
when I had been four and a half. I saw crying as agreement with her on
my wearing diapers and I refused to cry like a baby.
After being diapered she told me I could put my jeans back on over my
diapers. I was barely able to get my jeans over the bulky diapers and to
button up my fly. This was not good enough for her because I had left
the tee shirt outside my pants and it would tend to hide my diapers and
the bulge they made under my jeans. I now had to tuck my shirt in too.
I looked a bit puffy around the bottom I'm sure with three Curity
In front of me, so I could not miss it, she tucked a change of diapers
for me into her big purse and told me we were now going again to visit
her friend and do some shopping as well. It was in November but I was
not allowed a coat. You can't see a person's clothes under a coat, can
When we walked up to the door of Mrs. Betts home I was sure everyone
would know that I was diapered but no one seemed to notice. Thank
Goodness for looser styled jeans and slim hips.
After the visit came the afternoon in the stores and all the time I
enjoyed the feel of my diapers but dreaded anyone discovering that I was
I asked mother softly to be allowed to go to the toilet but was quickly
told about the function of diapers for babies such as myself. I was
highly embarrassed to say the least. Mother did not whisper even in
front of the clerk.
Every time mother would refer to me it was to "Baby."
I was both excited and scared when mother asked me in a loud voice if I
would have a preference on which type of waterproof panties she should
buy for me. I wish now that I had enough chutzpah back then to have told
her, "Oh, I'll take the pink ones with the cute rumba frills on the
seat. They would be just so cute." Believe me, that answer would have
given her cause to do some serious thinking!
One of the young part-time clerks there went to my school! We even had
American History together. She looked quizzically at me. When I had to
answer mother she smiled sweetly at me. Everyone in a fifty-foot radius
could easily hear our conversation.
I had to speak loudly or mother would have embarrassed me worse by
asking me if I was wet or calling me over to her so she could "check my
diapers." She would do this by having me pull my pants down to expose my
diapers. She then would make me bend forward so she could see if I had
done "a bad job" in the back of my diapers. She would then examine the
crotch looking for wetness. She knew I hated pulling down my pants and
exposing my diapers.
She had her ways so I told her I preferred the pull-on type best. Then
mother wanted to know what color pull-on panties I liked best and I had
to tell her blue or clear. Then mother "decided" not to buy the panties
for me after all- she did not want to buy any thing anyway. She had just
gone through the motions to embarrass me. This is why she always called
me "Baby" when spoke to me. The woman had a mean streak.
Eventually we got home and I managed to stay dry.
She knew I was dry. She did not have any waterproof panties to put over
my diapers and without plastic panties the blue denim would have
absorbed the wetness straight from the diapers and been clearly visible.
This was next to the last time mother ever put me into diapers. Also,
this was the only time since the New Year's Eve party back when I was
twelve that she made me go out in public obviously wearing diapers. This
humiliation hurt deeply and I didn't feel she loved me at all. She would
still threaten and tease me.
For almost all the rest of my adolescence I stayed even more to myself.
I became a loner and was always afraid that my secret would get out or
was already out. I had no way of knowing what, if anything, the young
part-time clerk at the Belk-Leggett Dept. store had said about my
mother's search for waterproof panties for me or to whom she may have
spoken. Evidently she told no one. I should have sought her out and
thanked her - but I was too shy. In my mind I figured she had told all
the other girls in town about the "big baby who preferred pull-on
panties in blue or clear over his diapers."
At eighteen years of age I managed to foul up again. I got caught in a
lie. I was ordered to my room to strip for punishment. I had to remove
my clothes and wait. It was mid-morning and I was unsure how long I
would be diapered for this time. I soon found out. I had to wear diapers
until after the supper dishes were finished.
Mother came into my bedroom with three diapers for me. After she
finished pinning them on me she told me to put my clothes on over them
and stay in my room. The diapers were hot but I was happy to comply and
no one else in the family knew that I had them on. This was the very
last time she diapered me.
She told me while removing my diapers that evening that I was just a
disgusting baby and a great disappointment. She said, "I don't think you
will ever grow up and stop acting like a baby. You are just a little
baby." I didn't think she loved me at all.
I was presumed lost in a plane over the Pacific Ocean a little over a
year later and she was every inch the concerned mother and was genuinely
thrilled at the news that I was safely in Japan. But that night she hurt
me deeply by what she did and said.
I remember later going into the woods several times and secretly crying
until I became "cried out." I thought about killing myself but lacked
the resolve. My Presbyterian pastor had told us in Church that suicide
would land you in Hell. I didn't want that. So I just shut the world out.
I was very shy and afraid of people. I never dated or went to any party
or function at either Junior High or High school. After these
experiences I became even more shy and a complete "loner" at school. My
mother noticed my reclusiveness but never reasoned from cause to effect.
I remember coming home from school and going to my room and pretending
to be studying or going out and doing my chores. Over time I gave most
of my toy stuff and sports equipment to my brothers. In the evening I
would say little at supper and answer when spoken to but never start a
conversation. I became a quiet kid for sure. Everything I enjoyed was
done alone except for the rare times Tommy or Nancy would be around.
I even liked the peace and solitude to be found under the house
crawlspace. I went there even when not being punished. I would daydream
about the joys of being on a desert island or in solitary confinement.
Years before I had been enrolled in dancing school in order to help me
become more socially active. However, I remained shy and timid around
girls although I liked dancing and knew how to dance better than did
most boys or girls.
I was afraid that if I asked a girl out she would immediately tell me,
"no," and tell me "she didn't date diaper-wearing babies." In my
imagination she would laugh and confirm my worthlessness. I knew I was
worthless for why would my own mother have done these things to me if it
were not true that I was a loss?
I tried to never knowingly disobey mother and never let her - or anyone
else - know how unhappy or lonely I truly was. I had absolutely no one
with whom to talk except Tommy and occasionally with Nancy. Mother often
received compliments on my deportment. I was such a good boy!
She must have thought that she had done a particularly good job with me!
Deliverance in my mind was becoming a pilot in the Air Force and flying
a single engine interceptor jet. Maybe the Air Force could give me some
worth and make me a man. I needed help because I felt I had no worth at
home. I felt that I was a disappointment to everyone. But most of all I
was a disappointment to myself. I went as soon as I could into the
military and again forgot about my mother's discipline.
I became a born again Christian in the USAF and my life changed. Life
then became good and became even better a few years later when I fell in
love. I met a wonderful girl and fell deeply in love with her and to my
utter amazement found that she loved me too. To think that she could
love me in return was unbelievable but wonderful.
I thank God daily for the gift of her love and next to the Lord Himself
she became and is the first and dearest thing in my life.
However, the very first time we made love old forgotten memories
returned that I thought were long, long gone. But that will be an untold
story...For her ears only...