My girlfriend was examining inside my rectum using a clear plastic proctoscope/anoscope (the large size "EOS" brand). I was on my knees in the head-down-arse-up position, and really enjoying the prostate stimulation as she moved the instrument around inside my bum. But then something went wrong!
(For those unfamiliar with this fun-to-use instrument, it is similiar to a vaginal speculum, but has a long hollow cylinder instead of hinged bills. Prior to insertion into the anus, an inner bullet shaped cylinder (obturator) gets loaded inside the outer cylinder and pokes out the front to make the end shape nice and smooth for insertion. The inner obturator is withdrawn once the instrument is fully inserted, and you can have a really good look around inside the sub's rectum.)
Things went wrong just after my girlfriend finished examining my rectum, and withdrawn the proctoscope. I saw her lay the proctoscope on the towel beside me. But then she picked up the obturator and inserted it straight up my bum before I could warn her.
The trouble is that the "EOS" brand obturator looks like it is "anus-friendly". But halfway down, the obturator has four sharp-edge ventilation slots around the side. These slots are normally covered when the obturator is inside the proctoscope and the instrument is being used properly in trained hands.
I have dormant hemorrhoids and skin folds in my rectum, and the moment my girlfriend inserted the obturator up my bum, these little buggers squeezed throught the sharp slots in the sides of the obturator and held the thing securely into my body. It could not be pulled out. It was stuck, with no way out other than a late night visit to the nearest hospital with a 24/7 Emergency Ward. But how to get there? We were both far too pissed (drunk) to drive, and there was no way I could sit in a taxi with this thing stuck up my arse and just about to give me a radical DIY hemorrhoidendectomy (?).
But then I remembered the wisest words ever from my scuba diving instructor (circa 1973):-
Do Not Panic! Just Stop what you are doing! Breath normally! And Think! Because for Every Problem, there is a way out! Just think and you will find it!
So I discussed this with my girlfriend and we thought it through some more and came up with the solution that if I squatted in the shower recess and worked a lubricated finger up inside the hollow obturator firmly locked up my arse, I could problably feel every hemorrhoid and skin fold stuck in the obturator slots and then ease them back out one by one until the obturator slid out of me.
It worked! The obturator came out! No cuts, no bleeding! Just a big puddle of lube. And all it needed was some very clear thinking.